“What is wrong with Oscars?” we thought while coming out of the theatre after watching this year’s Oscar winner The Shape of Water.

The film got rave reviews from critics as well as general public all over the world. We had high hopes and the promos looked promising. Anyway we get to see very few Oscar nominated films on big screens in Delhi. So we jumped at the first opportunity we had to watch The Shape of Water.

The film is about the love story of Elisa – a mute janitor played by Sally Hawkins and a humanoid amphibian creature (Doug Jones). Very similar to Bollywood movies, the director Guillermo del Toro had no patience to let the love grow between the lead cast and simply moved to the separation of the lovers (scope for some histrionics, drama and tears). It felt like the mute janitor had made up her mind about falling in love with the creature even before she set her eyes on him. She also had an epiphany that he is going to like boiled eggs. (Sunday ho ya Monday – Roz khaayen Andey)

Another similarity between a typical Bollywood film and the Shape of Water is, if there are lovers there has to be a villain (Michael Shannon as Strickland) who for apparently no rhyme or reason hates the hero and heroin and has to try all bad things to separate them. Make no mistake – the similarity between The Shape of Water and Bollywood love stories doesn’t end here. Any Bollywood love story is incomplete without hero/heroin’s friends who are instrumental in making the estranged lovers meet at the end. So we have a gay friend next door – Giles (Richard Jenkins) and a sympathetic colleague Zelda (Octavia Spenser) who put their lives, career and family at risk to reunite the divine lovers.

The film is boring to the core. Moreover many scenes are just added because they will look good. Sally Hawkins as Elisa was disappointing. The scene where she is adding salt to the water tub and because she is so smitten over her lover, drops the whole box on the floor, is absolutely artificial.

The making out scene of Elisa and the creature in an over flooded bathroom was gimmicky and very Sanjay Leela Bhansali – “Looks stunning – add it to the film”. Who cares if it makes any sense at all?

Throw in a Russian spy, a song in dream sequence with Elisa dancing with the creature (REALLY??????? – that’s even embarrassing for a B Grade South Indian film), chasing cars, unnecessary gory scenes, a host of characters running towards an adda in the end like a 80s Hindi movie and we have the climax which is senseless and just like the whole film, fails to penetrate the brain, mind or soul. The Shape of Water is bland and shapeless just like water.

You keep The Shape of Water and its Oscar and we are happy watching our insane but honest Fukre Returns and Sonu Ke Titu Ki Sweety.