There are good films and there are bad films but then there are some films that make you cringe. Films that make you feel bad for yourself. You feel someone (read director) is taking you for a ride thinking that you are an idiot and will digest anything and everything in the name of a stunning star cast. Kalank (blotch – the name says it all) belongs to this genre and could be a torchbearer (read torture bearer) of this genre of films.

We don’t know where to start and where to finish and weather it’s worth our time to review this trashy film but nevertheless we’ll share some of the screenshots of our Instagram stories that we did right after watching Kalank. We are told this Insta story was more entertaining than the film.

The film opened with Satya (Sonakshi Sinha), a rich woman getting the news that she has little time left because of cancer. Now why is Sonakshi Sinha looking EXACTLY like she did in Lootera? Are we hallucinating or is it deja vu that she was also dying of a terminal disease in Lootera… Or is it that the role was so similar to Lootera they thought of casting Sonakshi for this part? But she died soon without providing an answer to all these questions and we couldn’t care less…

But before dying she arranged to get (actually bought) another woman for her husband. All of a sudden she is at somebody’s house in Rajasthan or was it MP as Roop (Alia Bhatt) was dancing like she just got dresses from Zara at 80% off, outside the Gwalior Fort . We have no idea why Satya chose that house or that girl.

Roop gets married to Satya’s husband, an already married man, Dev Chaudhary (Aditya Roy Kapoor) without any complications. Law of the land… what’s that?

Now don’t ask us, soon after her marriage, why or how she managed to hear a courtesan (Bahaar Begum – Madhuri Dixit), who happened to be her father-in-law’s “Jawani ka Pyaar” singing when her haveli and the Kotha at Heera Mandi looked like two different worlds and they have to travel by car to reach that place.

The illegitimate fruit from this Jawani ki bhool is Zaffar (Varun Dhawan) who decided to take revenge from his father (Sanjay Dutt) by pataoing his son’s second wife Roop. We know Dimag ka dahi ho raha hai and you can’t take it any more, but there appears a bull and a CGI generated bull fight. The animated part looked like a project work by animation students of a local institute (they clearly have a lot of learning to do before getting their diploma)

But nevertheless Varun Dhawan gets an opportunity to show off his painted six pack body because of this bull fight.

If Varun Dhawan gets a bull fight to show his body, Aditya Roy Kapoor gets a song to show his dancing skills. And it’s a Karan Johar film, guest appearance to banta hai… how else would you encourage new talent? Here comes Kriti Senon.

These very long song and dance sequences can look appealing if there are 100s of swirling lehengas and Kurta Salwars with matching Indian ethnic jewelry. And why limit it to just song and dance sequences? So irrespective of the scene or situation, all the characters look like they are out to attend a big fat Indian wedding.

Talking of clothes, Sanjay Dutt looked extremely out of place in the movie as well as in those embroidered shawls. He was the least believable in all the star cast.

Misery loves company – so to take the weird story forward they have a host of supporting cast. Kiara Adwani, Achint Kaur, Hiten Tejwani and many others appear every now and then. And then there is Kunal Khemu who we were forced to see much more than we would ever want to.

But the film is progressive. It never shows women weak. The strong Aaj ki Naari Alia Bhatt goes to the Kotha to learn Shastriya Sangeet but make no mistake, She is a journalist in the next scene and barges in a meeting happening at a newspaper office and throw a brilliant idea. Newspaper mein Lux ka vigyaapan dene se auratein bhi ise padengi…. really???? How IQ bankrupt is the writer here ya audience ke maathe pe “C” likha hai????

Why all bad Bollywood films are long… or do they appear long? This one is an almost three hours long saga which ends with a DDLJ style Simran running after the train… Just that this time Simran is played by Varun Dhawan and SRK is played by Alia (Role reversals… wow… we told you the film is progressive… didn’t we).

But But But… If the sets are looking like they are heavily inspired by Bhansali movies, then ek Devdas style “Maar Dala” song bhi banta hai. So here we have Bahaar Begum (Madhuri Dixit), singing and dancing in Kathak meets Whirling Dervish style song “Tabah ho gaye” right before the climax.

Did we mention the Khichdi of Indian and European influence in décor? The gandola rides to and from the Kotha and Avatar style blue painted Raams in the endless Dussera song defy any sense. Well, it may have passed off as a fairytale but the director is no story teller. Everything just adds to the agony called Kalank.